Summer Reads

Over the course of my latest grad school run, my summers have been occupied by research and writing. Last summer I read one book "for fun." Since the The Great Keeling-Keller Clean Out, I have created a pretty ambitious pile of summer reading material and have delved into it.

The first two were baby/parenting-related reads:

This book came to me from a dear friend, Maia, who met me during the Liz 2.0 stage. She was present during the updates and upgrades--and our relationship remains to be the sort of relationship that picks up right where it left off. No matter how long its been since we've seen each other. It's a relationship I treasure.
A gift from Maia is always thoughtful and meaningful. This book was no exception. Anne Lamott (who wrote a book on writing, Bird by Bird) was hilarious, honest and raw. At one point she talks about how grateful she is because her son got his father's straight hair. She says, "When you have extremely curly hair, it is always getting mashed down into weird patterns, like grass that's been flattened. You get it when you wear hats, and you get it when you sleep. In extreme cases, you wake up looking like a horse that has been grazing on one side of your head all night." I laughed so hard, I could barely read this passage out loud to my coarsely-haired husband.
Because this book was written in the trenches of raising her baby, it's a glimpse into reality. The diary-like entries are short and authentic vacillating between blissful and loving to loathsome and bitter. Within two pages she swings from describing her son as the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to "I am afraid I am going to have to let him go. He's an awful baby. I hate him. He's scum."
Lamott is a single parent who struggles to stay sober and sane to support her little family. She learns a great deal of lessons from her son:

"It's funny to watch a baby crawl backwards because it's something you grow out of--after a while you're only supposed to go forward, I think this is a part of the voice that says constantly, fix, fix, fix; do, do do...nothing can make me more frantic than sitting and trying to just be. I watch Sam be a baby and crawl backwards and it's such an alien concept because it seems so natural to think that all the action is forward. Actually, backwards is just as rich as forward if you can appreciate the circle instead of the direction."

Lamott triumphs through faith and friendships learning that blessings and losses come together and that the capacity for both joy and grief increase together. And, that's why this book was a perfect gift from my friend Maia!

The second book of the summer was also given to me by a wonderful friend. Heather is a Canadian who takes pride in her family's Scottish roots. She and I have shared many cups of tea together solving the world's problems. Before reading this book, I knew it was perfect that it had come from her! (Little did she know at that time, I had just been assigned to teach French next year!)

This book by Pamela Druckerman, an American ex-pat living in Paris, is an ethnographic look at the wisdom and philosophy of French parenting. Some take-aways:

• pregnancy is an act of waiting not expecting (the French don't buy anything for the baby before it's born; it's considered bad luck, so they don't stress about the color of the nursery, etc.)
• just because you're pregnant doesn't make you less of a woman. Don't give up your sense of fashion, your figure or your sex life. A new mamma guide claims "pregnancy should be at time of great happiness!"
• birthing is not a time to sacrifice. In France, 87-97% (depending on the hospital) of women have epidurals. There is no such thing as giving birth "naturally;" it's called giving birth "without an epidural." They don't ask how you're planning to deliver; they only ask where because the way you give birth doesn't situate you within a value system or define the sort of parent you'll be. It is a way of getting your baby safely from your uterus into your arms. One Parisian said, "I've never heard of a woman wanting to suffer so much to have a kid." (In the U.S. the more you suffer and sacrifice, the more you have the right to strut around like a war hero.)
• breastfeeding is also not a measure of one's values or abilities.
• child-rearing is not an all-consuming vocation. Rearranging one's life to fit the baby's schedule is a no-no (after about three months). You should have a life, too.
• being your sexy, pre-pregnancy self is important for women. After all the couple is prioritaire. You choose your spouse, so it's important to maintain the sanctity of that relationship. Parents need time together--without kids. Loving each other is just as important as loving the kids.
• let children "discover" the world. Let them faire la nuit; it's expected that babies sleep through the night after about three months. It's not an anomaly; it's the norm. Use The Pause to let babies/kids figure things out. Don't always rush to the rescue. (It's not necessary for moms to climb on jungle gyms at the park.)
• children are people (according to Francoise Dolto). They understand. Treat them like they do. They are also expected to politely address adults with bonjour, au revoir--as well as please and thank you.
• sending children to day care is part of socialization. It's not optional. Neither is sending your child on week-long field trips. It's part of their education. (In general, French women go back to work. They view it as important to maintaining their own lives.)
• feed small children what you eat--make no special meals. If they don't like something, introduce it again in a different way. French pre-schools (ages 3-5) have professional chefs; the kids are served three or four courses at meal time. Kids are expected to try everything. Druckerman writes that the result of French parenting is a "fully functioning society of good little sleepers, gourmet eaters and reasonably relaxed parents."
• it's important to understand both that kids need choices, and that it's parents who decide. They have a phrase that's part of the parenting frame "C'est moi qui decide." (It's me who decides. p.s. I have to figure out how to type French accent marks again; I apologize!)
• it's also important to remember that kids don't always make the best choices. They are allowed to "faire les betises"--make small acts of naughtiness. Not all betises warrant discipline. Some just create an opportunity for a little education. (Instead of saying, "be good," French parents say "be sage" (in control of yourself).)

The most important concept I got from this book is to chill out. American parenting often produces enfant roi--kids who demand to be the center of attention and cannot cope with frustration--and kids who do anything they like without limits or regard for others (i.e. Nicole). We'll just have to see how this translates into our own parenting style chez Keeling-Keller.


Next up: The Happiness Project, The Wealthy Spirit and Life is Short, But Wide